Category: Humor

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Dorian/Klaus

Notes: Song lyrics are indented. Lines typed side by side are sung simultaneously. This is the original version as it appeared in the Companions in Chaos #2 fanzine.

Summary: An Eroica Musical

By: Kat Benedict

Illustrations by:  Kat Benedict

Written: 1995

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

T h e   F a m i l y   J e w e l s

♪  ©  ♫  t  ♪  ©  ♫  ©  ♪  t  ♫  ©  ♪

A MUSICAL FANTASIA

FEATURING THE CHARACTERS OF

FROM EROICA WITH LOVE

CAST:

Klaus von Eberbach

Dorian Red Gloria / Eroica

The Ace of Diamonds, a thief

Herr Schwartz, the Eberbach family lawyer

Miscellaneous agents, butler, police, etc

♪  ©  ♫  ©  ♪

Scene I 

Eroica  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Klaus, agents, Herr Schwartz

Scene II 

South Sea Wind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chorus, Dorian

Scene III                           

Oh My Darling Eberbach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dorian

You Don't Believe How Much I Love You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dorian, Klaus

Scene IV 

At the Flicker of a Blade . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Chorus

To Catch a Thief/A Man’s Gun is his Pride . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Klaus, Dorian

Partners . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dorian, Klaus

Scene V 

All Alone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dorian, Ace of Diamonds

Scene VI

A Man Who Says "Nein" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dorian, Ace of Diamonds, Klaus

What Should We Do With the Thief? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Ace of Diamonds/Dorian

Scene VII          

All Alone (reprise) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Klaus

Oh My Darling Little Klaus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dorian, Police, Klaus 

Scene VIII

He Thinks of Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Klaus

T h e   F a m i l y   J e w e l s

Scene I

Klaus' office, morning

Klaus is standing at his desk. His agents have assembled for a meeting.

Klaus:

First of all, I want to welcome agents A, B and C back from Alaska. I trust we will not be having any more problems?

Agents A, B and C:  Yes sir – we mean No, sir!.  

Klaus:  

Gut. You will be joining agent G in Paris tonight.

Agents A, B and C:

Paris! Oh, joy! Goody! (etc.)

Klaus:

You will be assisting him in Operation Desert Peach. Need I remind you this is a delicate operation? 

Agents A, B and C:

No sir, Major! Delicate! Yes!

Klaus:

Very good. You will meet with G at a location known as “The Cedars.”

      (there is a knock at the door)

Ja! Enter!

      (enter Herr Schwartz carrying a box)

Herr Schwartz? What are you doing here? What do you have there?

Herr Schwartz:

Um, Major … it’s about the inheritance from your great Aunt Hildgarde.

Klaus:

Ah, yes. The von Eberbach family jewels. Is that them?

Herr Schwartz:

Well, sir, it is except...

      (Klaus grabs the box from Herr Schwartz)

Klaus:

Let’s have a look.

Herr Schwartz:

Here’s something I have to tell you—

      (Klaus opens the box)

Klaus:

What? (He withdraws a playing card form the box) Is this a joke?! Where are the jewels?

Herr Schwartz:

That’s why I came, Major. When I received the box from the estate, this was all that was inside. Would your great aunt have done it as a joke perhaps?

      (Klaus give him a withering glare)

Klaus:

We Eberbachs do not joke. (examines card)The Ace of Diamonds, hmm? (he crumples it in his fist) Or is it the Prince of Thieves?

Agent B:

Now don’t jump to conclusions, Major!

Klaus: 

Madman! Lunatic!

Does he take me for a moron?

That Prince of Thieves

That King of Fools

To think of him

Ach! It makes my blood boil

His sticky little fingers around my family jewels

He’s dead

I’ll break him yet, I swear it

I’ll break him like he breaks the rules

Agents and Herr Schwartz:

      Dorian Red Gloria

      AKA – Eroica!

All:

      This time, he’s gone too far!

Klaus:

Achtung! Achtung!

I want this madman found

Bring him back to me und schnell

I will not play around

You best prepare

To take it like a man

For as they say, “in for a pence, in for a pound.”

Agents:

      And he’s certainly in for a pounding

      Eberbach’s going to give him a sounding off!

Klaus: 

      He’s off his rocker

Agent A:

      What a shocker

All:

Eroica

You’ve finally done the big one

He/I can’t forgive: you’ve hit too close to home

Eroica

Whatever were you thinking

Is this some set up?

Agents:

      If you steal it, he will come

Klaus:

I’ll go

It is between myself and he

I’ll catch him on my own

Agents: 

      Eroica, Eroica

Klaus:

      His death is mine and mine alone!

Scene II

A luxury cruise ship.

Dorian basks in the sunshine while sexy Jamaican men attend his every need.

First Jamaican Stud:

Softer dan de island sand

brighter dan de tropical sun

Sweeter dan de breezes on the emerald sea

Is me pretty Dorian



Oh sing-a

Blue, blue skies

Not bluer dan he eyes

Oh a South Sea wind

Not warmer dan he skin



Blue, blue skies

Not bluer dan he eyes

Like a South Sea wind

Is me pretty Dorian

Second Jamaican Stud:

He hair as yellow as ripe banana

He skin as white as coconut

He got a smile brigher dan de sun

And like de moon, he fabulous butt

Both Studs:

Oh sing-a

Blue, blue skies

Not bluer dan he eyes

Oh a South Sea wind

Not warmer dan he skin

Dorian

Blue, blue skies

Not bluer dan he eyes

like a South Sea wind

Is he pretty Dorian

Girl 1:

      He looks good enough to eat

Girl 2:

      I for one wouldn’t mind a taste

Girl 3:

      But he likes other pretty, pretty men

All three girls:

      Aww, what a waste

All: (Except Dorian)

Oh sing-a

Blue, blue skies

Not bluer dan he eyes

Oh a South Sea wind

Not warmer dan he skin

Dorian

Blue, blue skies

Not bluer dan he eyes

like a South Sea wind

Is he pretty Dorian

      (All chorus “freeze” with attentions directed at Dorian. A steward comes out and hands the courtesy phone to Dorian.)

Steward:

Pardon me, M’lord. There’s a call for you.

Dorian:

Oh? (picks up receiver) Yes? James! What is it? Oh? He did? He is? Me? Well, I’ll just have to set the silly boy straight, won’t I? Good-bye. (hangs up)

Dorian:

      He needs me!

      Like the emerald sea                                                  Chorus

                                                                                                Blue blue skies

      His eyes are fabulous green

                                                                                                Not bluer dan he eyes

      Oh to see him again

                                                                                                Oh a South Sea wind

      He needs me

                                                                                                Not warmer dan he skin

                                                                                                Dorian!

All:

      La la la la – (etc., to fade as scene ends)

Scene III

Schloss Eberbach. Klaus paces in his study.

Klaus:

I will find him; when I do

His days of thieving will be through

      (Enter the Butler)

Butler:

Master, there’s someone here to see you.

      (Enter Dorian)

Dorian:

Oh, my darling Eberbach

Major Klaus von Eberbach

How I love you Eberbach, my own

You drive me mad, von Eberbach

I’m so sad, von Eberbach

I’m not bad, von Eberbach

I just love you and you alone



I’m your dear Eroica

Ever near Eroica

Always here Eroica for you

Never doubt Eroica

Just call out “Eroica”

For his Kraut Eroica always comes through



In the closets of your mind

If you look I’m sure you’ll find

That true happiness is here

In the love you fear

And I’m sure you’ll realize

When you look into my eyes

What we both have always known

You love me too



La la lala la la la… (etc. Dorian has Klaus backed into a corner with his provocative dance)



Take me, I’m yours von Eberbach

Mi amore von Eberbach

Make love, not war, von Eberbach, with me

Take my hand von Eberbach

Make a stand, von Eberbach, try and you’ll see

Klaus:

You have your balls, coming in here after the stunt you pulled!

Dorian:

But I didn’t do it, Major. James called me and told me everything. Poor thing. But don’t fret. I shall get your jewels back for you or I am not the Price of Thieves.

Klaus:

How about the Ace of Diamonds?

Dorian:

Ace of Diamonds? What are you on about?

      (Klaus shows him the crumpled card)

Klaus:

This was left in the empty box. Are you saying you did not leave it?

Dorian:

First of all, my calling card is not so ambiguous. I take pride in my work and like to leave my signature. 
Secondly, I am the Ace of Hearts, darling, and the only family jewels you could possibly interest me in—

Klaus:

Shut up! Don’t start that!

Dorian:

As you command, Major. Where did the jewels come from?

Klaus:

Originally?

Dorian:

I’m sure that’s a fascinating story, but no, darling. I mean, from whence did you receive them? Mr. James said something about an inheritance?

Klaus:

From my great aunt’s London estate — and don’t call me “darling!”

Dorian:

Sorry. And how were they delivered?

Klaus:

Our family retainer, Herr Schwartz went himself to fetch them. I have already thoroughly examined that possibility.

Dorian:

Poor fellow. Wrong him out, did you? Well, I say we should begin our search in London.

Klaus:

“Our” search? Nein. You are to stay the hell away from me and my jewels!!

Dorian:

You would pass up the assistance of a master thief? Don’t be paranoid. I want to help.

Klaus:

I do not think so, Herr Dieb. You are generally more of a distraction than an asset. Why should you want to help anyway. I know. 
You want to steal our family treasure yourself!

Dorian:

Not at all! I want to help you because I care for you. There’s nothing in it for me.

Klaus:

I know. That’s why I don’t trust you. Go away and do not talk about caring for me. It makes me sick!

      (Exit Klaus)

Dorian:

Oh, Major…

You don’t believe how much I love you

How can I prove to you what I can’t explain?

It’s not by choice

I had no voice in this madness



You don’t believe how pure my love is

You try and find some way to turn it around

Inside my heart

I felt the start of the saddest sort of love I’ve ever known



You’ve got to believe that I would never want to hurt you

If I would have known, I would have kept it all inside

But I still believe someday my love is going to touch you

And I couldn’t deny this feeling if I had tried



You don’t believe how much I love you

To tell the truth, I can’t believe it myself

I’m not the kind

To lose my mind so completely



Who would have thought that I could change so?

I’m not the errant youth I was when we met

You helped me grow

And you don’t know how bittersweetly grows this passion for you

And so this thief

Will make believe somehow, someday, you’ll believe him too.

      (Klaus reenters)

Klaus:

I just received word from London. It seems your little friend has plundered other inheritances before they reached the proper hands.

Dorian:

My friend? Excuse me? I have no idea who this Ace of Diamonds character is unless some acquaintance of mine has changed his or her moniker.

Klaus:

Well, that may very well be the case. Therefore you will be assisting me in London only because I think you do indeed have connections to this crime.

Dorian:

Guilt by association or something? Very well. Believe what you will. I will find your jewels and exonerate myself.

Klaus:

You do that, thief, if you can. Now get out of here. I will meet you in London.

Dorian:

Yes, Major! See you then!

      (Exit Dorian)

Klaus:

I don’t believe how much I need him

His expertise, his conning deviant ways

I wish that I

could just get by without him



I hate to say, I kind of like him

And there’s the rub, I cannot let him too close

It would be wrong

To lead him on



I don’t believe I’ll ever love him

How can I dare disgrace the Eberbach name?

I have no choice

I have no voice in this madness



He just doesn’t love me anyway

It’s only lust, it’s mere desire

Inside his heart

It’s just a spark of a lesser fire



And yet, I don’t believe how much I need him

Scene IV

London, a pier at night. All sorts of riffraff, thieves,

Murderers, whores and smugglers fill the scene.

Chorus:

Mean streets, it’s a dangerous world

Midnight on the pier

Bad boys and dangerous girls

Gather in the shadows here



Dirty streets and back alleyways

Come into the lion’s den

One false step and you’re missin’ for days

Or you’re never seen again



Your fate can change

At the flicker of a blade

In the glimmer of a murderous eye

Your final rest

In the ocean’s briny breast

At the flicker of a blade

You could die

Thug:

A master of the Black Art am I

It is not the glamorous life

Me son’s a spiv, my daughter is a yegg

Would you care to meet the charmin’ wife (holds up a knife)

Chorus:

Hungry streets full of desperate blokes

Scarperin’ like alley cats

Waitin’ for a piece of fresh meat

T’gobble up like hungry rats



Your fate can change

At the flicker of a blad

If you’ve got the knack and skill

Your fortune made

At the flicker of a blade

At the flicker of a blade

You could kill

Hooker:

Civvie street, respectable life

We cater to the gentlemen’s vice

On display

In a dirty alleyway

We sell it for a real fine price

Chorus 1:                                                                          Chorus 2:

      Mean Streets, It’s a dangerous world                               At a flicker of a blade

      Midnight on the pier

      Bad boys and dangerous girls                                          At a flicker of a blade

      Gather in the shadows

All:

At the flicker of a blade

At the flicker of a blade

You can kill

      (Enter Klaus and Dorian)

Klaus:

Nice place you’ve got here. You armed?

Dorian:

No. I hadn’t anticipated needing to by. Why?

Klaus:

Are you mad? Look at the area we are in! You’ve got to be careful. What would you do if someone held a gun to you?

Dorian:

I’d stand back and let you handle it. But I doubt anyone could pull out a gun before you shot them dead. You’re very good, you know.

Klaus:

But I can’t always be here to take car of y— Uh, you really ought to learn how to use a gun.

Dorian:

I have instead spent my time learning how not to be a target in the first place.

To catch a thief

You must think like a thief

And who’s better at that than I?

When on the streets

You live by your wits

You learn to be clever or die

Klaus:

To catch a thief

You must think like a thief

Concerning that point you are right

But you also should have

Some muscle and power

A weapon or two at your side



Now you’ve got your dagger and knife

And perhaps you could safeguard your life

But a real man needs Iron and steel

For there’s nothing on Earth like the feel

Of a gun



A man’s gun is his pride

She’ll be there by his side

Close to his heart

Never apart

More faithful than a bride

Dorian:

Do you sleep with it too?

Klaus:

A man’s gun is his friend

It’ll be there in the end

And night or day

Will point the way

A gun on which to depend

Dorian:

You know, I’ve heard that the size of a man’s gun is proportionate to the side of his … Oh, my God!

      (Klaus unholsters his enormous firearm)

Klaus:

      Give it respect, this is not a joke                           (Klaus shows Dorian the way to hold the

      Always remember—relax and don’t choke           gun. Dorian strokes the barrel in wonder)

      A rod of pure fire, thunder and smoke

      A man’s gun is his strength                                  (Klaus stands behind Dorian, his arms

      Its size, Its power, Its length                                 around him to help him aim the gun.

      With it in hand                                                       Dorian, understandably, is becoming

      You’re in command                                               aroused)

      A man’s gun is his strength

Now hold it steady … aim it … Ready …

      (Dorian gives an orgasmic cry, licks the barrel of the gun, and collapses in a happy swoon)

Klaus:

Ach! You disgusting pervert! (picks up gun gingerly) Now I’ll have to disinfect it!

      (Klaus starts to storm off. Dorian leaps to his feet)

Dorian:

Hang about! I’m all right. Just got carried away ‘s all. Really, I’ll never look at firearms in quite the same light again.

Klaus:

Stop talking about it. Just go away! I will find Ace of Diamonds myself. I must have been insane to agree to collude with you.

Dorian:

You are insane, you’ll get no argument. But you won’t get far without me. 
This is my homeground. These are my people. 
You need me and I want to help you. God knows why, you ingrate. 
You’d go blasting your way into every situation if you could. 
Sometimes one needs to use a little delicacy. A little finesse.

Klaus:

And sometimes one needs a show of power. My “blasting away” has saved your fancy ass more times than I can remember.

Dorian:

Do you often remember my fancy ass?

Klaus:

How would you like to cool off in the Thames?

Dorian:

No thanks. Listen, bandying about on a pier is not going t help us find the Ace of Diamonds.

Klaus:

You’re right. So go away.

Dorian:

Nein.

      (they glare at each other in a long, intense stare-off)

Dorian:

Can I hold your gun again?

Klaus:

Idiot!

      (Klaus takes a swing at Dorian, who deftly leaps back out of the way. 
Dorian is now standing on the dock that runs alongside the boat nearest them)

Dorian:

Major! Come here!

Klaus:

I don’t think so. What do you want?

Dorian:

Quit being an ass! Get over here!

      (Klaus comes around to the dock. Stage rotates to reveal the side of the boat)

Klaus:

The Ace of Diamonds!

Dorian:

I was wrong — bandying about did help!

Klaus:

The Ace of Diamonds is a boat?

Dorian:

Seems so, Citizen Klaus. Now what?

Klaus:

Now seems a good time to go blasting away!

Dorian:

Absolutely not! We should set up a stake-out and see with whom we are dealing.

Klaus:

We are dealing with dead people. That is all you need to know.

Dorian:

At least let me case the area before you go in there with guns blazing.

Klaus:

Why you? I am much more experienced with surveillance. Likely you’ll see something you want and turn this into your own private thieving spree.

Dorian:

(aside) It’s not his skills I doubt, it’s his temper. One look at
some bloke handling his family jewels and the Major will go off his dot. 
I can’t leave him to do it by himself, but he absolutely refuses to let me help.

Klaus:

(aside) I cannot do a thing with him here. But how to get him to go away? This is between the Ace of Diamonds and myself.

Dorian:

(aside) If I could just get him to go back to his hotel, I could case the boat tonight!

Klaus:

(aside) Tonight is all I need. If I can get rid of Eroica just for tonight…

Dorian:

Tonight

There’s nothing to be done tonight

Let’s wait until the morning light

Before we make our move

Klaus:

You’re right

It’s pointless to begin a fight

When the prey is not in sight

So let’s call it a day

Dorian:

Okay

And tomorrow we meet

But tonight we sleep

Til then, my love, it’ll keep

Klaus:

      Agreed.

Dorian:

      Partners?

Klaus:

      Agreed.

      (They shake on it)

Dorian:

We’re a bit like Sherlock Holmes and his man Watson

We’re a perfect team, an exceptional pair

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Robin Hood and Little John

Samson and his hair



Like yin and yang, an inseparable set

It was destiny the day you and I met



We’ll make it all right tomorrow

Who stands a chance when two pros conspire?

A brilliant spy

The Prince of Thieves

We’ll set the Thames on fire



We’re opposites like night and day

But we make the perfect team

Like earth and sky

You and I

Like fire and water make steam

Klaus:

Partners in justice, verbündete

Our differences we’ll put aside for now

Our mission won

By blade and gun

By roses and find German know-how

Dorian:

(aside)

He wants to go it alone

He’d even shoot me if he saw me

Even when he’s on his own

He’s like the whole German army!



(To Klaus)

We’ll make it all right tomorrow

When we reclaim the von Eberbach gems

And then we’ll hook

That nasty crook

And set afire that bloody Thames!

Klaus:

I’ve got a plan, I’ll tell you then

I do not want you to meddle

Just follow me

You will see

You’ve got to just grasp the nettle

Dorian:

Like Cisco and Pancho

Quixote and Sancho

Like Kall and Shiva

Or Wally and Beaver

Klaus:

      Who?

Dorian:                                                                             Klaus:

      Like Batman and Robin                                                    I’ll come back in moments

Like Tarzan and Boy                                                         When he has gone home

Or Simon and Schuster                                                    I’ll get back my jewels

Or Siegfried and Roy                                                        I’ll do it alone



I’ll slip into something                                                        I’ll slip into something

A little less comfortable                                                     A little less formal

Maybe something in                                                          A little more suited for

Black crepe de chine                                                        Boarding that boat

And maybe some pearls in                                               I’ll get back my jewels

My soft golden curls                                                          Then blow up that vessel

Maybe I should wear red                                                   There wont’ be a stick of it

Velveteen                                                                          Left afloat



I’ll grace the scene!



In high heels I’ll vamp                                                        By sunrise tomorrow

As a lonely young tramp                                                   I’ll be back in Munich

And I’ll beguile the Ace                                                      I’ll get back to business

With my beautiful face                                                      And put this aside

I’m sure I’ll get out                                                             I cannot think clear

With some extras, no doubt                                             With Eroica here

When I get back the                                                          I can’t concentrate

Eberbach family jewels                                                     With him right here by my side

Dorian:

Goodnight

I’ll see you in the morning light

And we’ll set everything to rights

It’s time to go to bed

Klaus:

Jawohl

And when you get home, give a call

Or I won’t sleep a wink at all

Until I know you’re home

It’s not because I care

I want to make sure that you’re there.

Scene V

The same pier, later that night. Enter Dorian in drag.

Dorian:

All alone, all alone

This sweet thing wandering

On her own



All alone, All alone

On a night for delight

I’m alone



So alone, yes alone

Just a fox on the docks

All alone



It’s a crime that I’m

Undeniably, desirably

All alone



The wind blows sweet with sale sea mist

And the sea is starlight kissed

The moon shines full so white and cold

And I’m here on the pier needing someone to hold



All alone, all alone

Wish I might find a knight                                                  (The Ace of Diamonds emerges from

All my own.                                                                        the boat.)



With a face full of grace

In a pack full of jacks

He’s my Ace

Ace:

All alone, all alone

Nevermore, mi amore

On your own



Love has grown, fate has shown

Us together, we need never

Be alone



It’s a night for making love

What were you dreaming of?

Come aboard my ship, “The Ace”

And I’ll sail you to somewhere where

Nobody’s ever been alone, a place

Where diamonds dot the skies

Where emerald oceans stretch forever

Gold-dust beaches rise

And in the amber firelight

Your sapphire eyes, they shine

Both:

All alone, all alone

In the dark, what a lark

Sorrow’s flown



All alone, yes alone

How we’ll sweat when we get

All alone

Ace:                                                                                  Dorian:

      All alone                                                                             On his ship of fools

All alone                                                                             Klaus’ family jewel

You and me and the sea

All a-foam                                                                          It’s a perfect ruse

All alone                                                                             When I finally get them

Who’d have known                                                           He’ll be in my debt then

You would charm me and

Disarm me

All                                                                                      I might cash in on his passion

Alone                                                                                 Alone

Both:

      We’re all alone

      (Dorian and Ace disappear onto the boat. Klaus appears from out of the water and climbs up the side ladder onto the boat)

SCENE VI

On board the boat.

Dorian:

What a lovely ship you have, ah…?

Ace:

Call me Ace, my dear. And what is your name?

Dorian:

Erica. My, so many lovely things. Are you a collector?

      (Dorian casually snoops through boxes)

Ace:

I love beautiful things. I love to surround myself with fine treasures.

      (Ace captures Dorian’s hand and kisses it. Klaus peers in through the window.)

Dorian:

Treasures? Like gold and jewels?

Ace:

You like jewels?

Dorian:

What woman doesn’t? Shiny things make me … amorous.

Ace:

Oh? Well take a look at this. Tiffany’s finest!

Dorian:

Hmm. Nice. But I prefer antiques. Old jewelry has so much more class.

Ace:

Ah, a woman of refined tastes. Well then you must see my latest acquisition.

      (Ace turns toward the window. Klaus ducks as Ace picks up an ornate box and turns back towards Dorian)

I got these from the estate of an old German countess.

      (Klaus pops back up, irate)

Dorian:

They’re lovely.

Ace: 

What’s the matter?

Dorian:

You said a German countess?

Ace:

Yes.

Dorian: 

That reminds me of someone.

Ace:

Of whom? There is on one but us tonight.

      (Ace tries to embrace Dorian who eludes his grasp gracefully)

Dorian:

Oh? But I feel him here, always with me.

      (Dorian moves towards the window. Klaus curses and ducks)

Ace:

Who is it? Is he dead? No man alive could resist you.

Dorian:

He can. He does.

Ace:

He is no man then, this fool who says “no” to you.

Dorian:

He doesn’t say “no.” He says “nein.”

Men have come and gone

Good men, and fine

But none of them could ever toe the line

They offered me fine jewels

Firelight and wine

But still I pine

For the man who says “nein”



The day I met that surly Kraut

I knew what need was all about

I gave my heart, this love of mine

He said, “Nein”



And from there the ardor grew

Hotter, brighter like the sun

Til it burned and blinded me

Ace:

      Then he is the only one?

Dorian:

I love him!

I love him with all that is in me

He is my song, he is my soul

He is the night

Nights spent in satin sheets

The scent of German cigarettes so fine

I’m in love with the man who says, “Nein!”

Ace:

The fool!

Who could resist such sweetness

He must be blind

This man who says “nein” to

Ace and Dorian:

      Such sweetness

Dorian:

      Just to be near him

Ace:

How can you love him?

This man who refuses you

How can you

How can                                        Dorian:                                   Klaus:

You love him?                               I love him                                 He loves me

I love him with

How can you love him?                 All that is in me                        How can he love me?

Dorian:

It takes all my strength

To hold onto hope

Ace and Klaus:

What hope?

Dorian:

Someday he’ll love me

Somehow, sometime

I’ll ask, “Do you love me?”

And he won’t say, “Nein.”

Klaus:

What is he saying

What can he see in me?

Ace:

Then love him but be with me

I’ll try not to mind

I promise you, darling

I’ll never say, “Nein.”

      (Ace and Dorian seem to be about to kiss. Klaus drops his flashlight.)

Ace:

What was that?

Dorian:

Rats?

Ace:

Or thieves. Stay here, my pet. I will go and make sure we will be safe tonight.

      (Exit Ace. Klaus raps on the window.)

Dorian:

What are you doing here?

Klaus:

Shut up fool and open the window!

      (Klaus climbs in)

Dorian:

You’re supposed to be at your hotel. We agreed — 

Klaus:

That’s right! I knew I couldn’t trust you! Look at you. You look like a two-pfenning whore!

Dorian:

What about you? Where on earth did you find a skin-diver’s suit at this time of night?

Klaus:

Never mind. (grabs box) I’m taking these.

Dorian:

Are you insane? He’ll be back any minute! Let me handle this. You just get out of here.

Klaus:

Not a chance. We Eberbachs don’t forgive easily. (pulls gun)

Dorian:

Put that away and get out of here. I have everything under control.

      (Dorian tries to take the box from Klaus. Klaus points the gun at him.)

Klaus:

Stay back, Eroica. You’re far too close to my family jewels as it is.

Dorian:

You’re going to glow this for us both!

      (Klaus backs toward the door, his gun still aimed at Dorian. Ace appears at the door.)

Klaus:

You just stay put and I won’t have to shoot you.

Dorian:

Look out!

      (Ace knocks Klaus over the head with the flashlight)

Ace:

Erica, are you all right?

Dorian:

Is he all right? You didn’t kill him, did you?

Ace:

No, but it would serve him justly if I did. Now, my dear, what shall we do with the thief?

What shall we do with the thief?

The punishment must fit the crime

I’ll throw him from the deck

With a stone ‘round his neck

The sea is where he’ll do his time



He will not get away

His debt he’ll have to pay

No one dares cross the Ace

He’ll get a taste

A taste of vengeance sweet

Dorian:

Don’t harm him, Ace, my pet

Such violence you’ll regret

A killing such as this

Would taint your kiss

The bitter taste of blood

Ace:

I can’t forgive

How can I let him live?

He knows to much

Dorian:

So do I

Does that mean I die?

Ace:

No

I cannot let you go

Even though

You know

Woman, I want you so

But he

He must go

We must throw him overboard

I can’t afford to have him

Tell his cohorts

All those bold sorts

Coming ‘round to my cache

We’ve got to stash it

Dorian:

      Me too?

Ace:

      Yes you…

I know it sounds insane

This love I can’t explain

But with you as my girl

We’ll own the world

The world is at our feet

But what do we do with the thief?

Dorian:

Klaus

Open your eyes, my dear

The end is near

I fear

If we don’t get out of here

      (Ace points the gun at Klaus. Dorian stands between them)

Ace:                                                                                  Dorian:

      I must kill him                                                                    No, don’t kill him

I must kill him                                                                    Must he end up dead?

I must kill him                                                                    I won’t let you kill him

                                                                                          I will not let blood be shed

Ace:

(to Dorian)

      My tender-hearted one

(to Klaus)

      My near-departed one

Dorian:

I beg you, set him free

Do this one thing for me

He’s learned his lesson well

He’ll never tell

You’ve got to let him live                                                   Ace:

I can’t forgive                                                                     I can’t forgive

The taking of a life



Take this knife

And drive it through my heart

I thought we had the start

Of a beautiful forever

I can love a jewel thief

But a murderer? Never!

Klaus:

What’s going on here?

I wish my head would clear

That bastard’s got my gun

And Dorian

I mean, “Eroica”

Ace:

Step back my gentle one

The dread thing must be done

Turn your sweet face away

For blood will spray

And stain your perfect skin

Dorian:

Okay

Well, if there’s nothing I can say

Just let me step away

And for you both I’ll pray

      (Dorian turns as if to go)

Klaus:

      Is he really going to leave me?

Dorian:

      Will he catch my signal?

(Dorian rests his hand on a lamp)

      Shall I douse the light?

(Ace glance of at him. Klaus gives a thumbs up)

Ace:

It seems only fitting

Good night, my thief, good night

      (Dorian turns off the light. There is the sound of gunfire.
Sirens sound and flash outside the window. 
When the lights come on, only Klaus remains to have to explain to the harbor police who have just arrived.
Dorian and Ace are nowhere to be seen.)

Policeman:

What’s going on here?

Klaus:

EROICA!

Scene VII

A police station

Klaus sits in a holding cell.

Three Policemen sit outside at their desks.

Klaus:

All alone, all alone

Bet that fool’s got my jewels

Hope has flown

Telephoned for a loan

To make bail ‘cause in jail

I’ve been thrown

      (Enter Dorian dressed as a big German woman)

Dorian:

Pool little Klausie, your mama’s right here

She’ll set her little boy free

Shameful, disgraceful to treat him this way

Strip him and search him and lock him away

Treat him so badly and on his birthday

Now you shall answer to me!



Oh, my darling little Klaus

Mama’s precious little Klaus

Don’t you worry little Klaus, my dear

I’ve come to get you little Klaus

Have they upset you little Klaus?

If they had met you little Klaus

They’d know that you should not be here



Have you nothing more to do

Than to run around like fools

Arresting good boys such as he

While criminals go free

Don’t you realize what you’ve done

Captured NATO’s number one

And my darling little son

Now get him our!

Policeman One:

      Who are you?

Dorian:

Frau Eberbach

Frau Brunhilde Eberbach

Policeman One:

      Is this true?

      (Klaus groans)

Dorian:

      Eberbach’s my name

Policeman Two:

Here’s the file on Eberbach

Quite a pile on Eberbach

Wait a while, Frau Eberbach

We’ll take all night

Dorian:

      For shame, for shame

Policeman Three:

These sorts of things take time

Take a look, Frau Eberbach

They’ll throw the book at Eberbach

Dorian:

      But he’s no crook!

Policeman Three:

      But Eberbach is charged with something of a crime.

He was caught upon the Thames

With a ship of stolen gems

And a loaded PPK

What more need I say

When we gave his boss a ring

NATO didn’t know a thing

He was acting on his own

All alone

Dorian:

Take my word, Herr Polizist

If you’ve heard, Herr Polizist

Be assured, Herr Polizist, you’ll see

That the temper of my Klaus

Is like unto a little mouse

You’ve barely heard him start to grouse

He learned to stomp and yell from me

      (The policemen gather to confer)

Policeman One:

      Let him go, this Eberbach

Policeman Two:

      I think so

Policeman One:

Frau Eberbach’s going to blow

If Eberbach stays here

Policeman Three:

      NATO’s lads are on the way

Policeman One:

      Do you want to make them stay?

Policeman Three:

Gosh, his records look okay

I’d say that he is free and clear

All Three Policemen:

This may seem a small disgrace

But we’d really rather face

The entire NATO block

Than an Eberbach

And with two it’s even worse

We could sing another verse

But we’re running short on time

And rhyme

Policeman Three:

Beg your pardon, Eberbachs

Frau and Major Eberbach

All’s in order, Eberbach, you’re free

Policeman Two:

      Thank you much, von Eberbach

Policeman One:

      Keep in touch, von Eberbach

Dorian:

Come to mama, Eberbach

And I will take you home with me!

Scene VIII

Outside the precint. Klaus storms off a few paces,

then stops, his back to Dorian.

Dorian: (removing wig)

Are you angry?

      (Klaus does not respond)

Dorian: (shedding costume)

Of course you are. That was quite a scene, no? 
Sorry. I just didn’t think it would look right for Eroica to come to the aid of Major von Eberbach. 
That would have gotten you convicted straight away.

      (Klaus begins to shake)

Dorian:

Major? Are you all right?

      (Klaus starts to laugh, softly at first, then louder)

Klaus:

Eroica, you are mad!

Dorian:

Oh, is that all? Yes, I am mad. Mad about you, my gallant knight.

Klaus:

Some knight. And what a night! Where did you go? What happened to the Ace of Diamonds?

Dorian:

I don’t know. When I saw the police boats, I fled. I thought you got him.

Klaus:

No. When the lights came on, you were both gone. I had to try and explain to the police, but you could see where that got me.

Dorian:

Sorry. You know I couldn’t stay. Besides, what would it do to your reputation to be found voluntarily in cahoots with the Prince of Thieves?

Klaus:

Point taken. But what I want to know is, why the elaborate charade? Why didn’t you creep on board and steal what you wanted?

Dorian:

I like to check out the new talent on a more personal level. And I’ll tell you what. 
If there’s anything left of the Ace of Diamonds after you get hold of him, I plan to invite him into my inner circle.

Klaus:

I’m sure you will.

Dorian:

Klaus, are you being crude? My innermost circle consists only of you, my love?

Klaus:

Shut up.

Dorian:

Sorry. Blew it again, didn’t I? And we were having such a lovely talk. Here, will this get my back into your good graces?

      (Dorian hands Klaus the Eberbach family jewels)

Dorian:

I managed to snag these before I jumped ship. I’m sorry I screwed up your plans. And got you hurt. If I hadn’t been there, you’d have succeeded.

Klaus:

Remember that the next time I tell you to stay out of my business.

Dorian:

Yes, Major. Oh, here comes some official-looking types. Guess I’d better scamper.

Klaus:

Eroica? Thank you.

      (Dorian smiles and hurries away)

Klaus:

He thinks of me

As something of a hero

I let him see the side of me that’s strong

He touches me

I show him steel and iron

For if he knew me then he’d learn that

He is wrong



He thinks of me

As something of a villain

Hot-headed Boche who takes his passions cool

For all that’s worth

I’m glad he only sees me

With eyes so blind by love that

He can’t see the fool

I am

Or what I’ve become

I couldn’t stand the ridicule



I think of him

As something of a godsend

Without his light my days would still be gray

Perhaps someday

I’ll finally understand him

What’s his magic that makes everything okay?



He thinks of me

As cold and strange and distant

He can’t get close, there’s nothing here to see

I think that he

Would be so disenchanted

If he just knew that I’m not full of mystery

Would he

Still love me if he knew

I’m not what I seem to be

Or can he see

The man I really am

Is it him who’s fooling me?

(Fade out. The End.)

♪  ©  ♫  ©  ♪

Eroica